| (no subject) |
[Mar. 30th, 2009|07:06 pm] |
i had my first actual pregnant doctors appointment today. i haven't been to the doctor in at least 4 years if not longer doctors make me anxious and hospitals and especially dentists so i try to avoid all of them. but i guess when your knocked up your suppose to go once a month which is a lot of doctor visits for one who doesnt like them. so i have to grin and bare it i guess.
but really it wasn't too bad. my new doctor seems pretty nice.
so jeremy wanted to go with me which i thought was sweet but told him was not required. my appointment was at 2 and he had to pick up his son at 2:35 so he said he'd stay til 2:30 if i wasnt done by then he'd have to leave. so i go in and the nurse explains all the stuff they're going to do today, a full breast exam a pelvic exam and a pap smear as well as an ultrasound which would have to be vaginal cause i'm only 13 weeks a long. then the nurse handed me a cup and told me to go pee then get in a gown. when i got back from the bathroom jeremy was all "i think i'm gonna go now." i asked him if all the physical stuff scared him and he looked at me and said "yay" just straight up. i told him he'd miss the ultra sound and he said well its not the big one the next ones the big one and he'll be there for that!
but the ultrasound was pretty amazing. you could actually see a baby and not a little mouse and i could hear a really really loud heart beat and see it moving. plus my little baby was moving around and showing us all its angles.
i'll post a few pictures of the baby later. anyway i'm being rushed away |
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| sugar mamma or daddy needed |
[Mar. 22nd, 2009|05:37 pm] |
my phone is shit. its falling apart, well not literally but mostly. it keeps powering down on its own and doing weird things when i try to use the menu. and now my boyfriends cat chewed my charger so i can't charge it. i'm at my sisters house using her charger, thank goodness we have the same phone.
i need a new phone. who wants to buy me one?? anyone? i wanted the samsung glyde but i'll settle for anything with a camera, music player and qwerty keyboard!! :P
i really miss friends!! more specifically i miss my friends... i miss living in portland. my friends were always there when i lived in portland. well most of them lived there but then the other ones would come visit me there.... no one really comes to visit me anymore. i dont really blame anyone. i mean come on i live in lebanon, i dont even want to be here.
i keep trying to figure out a way to get back up there but all my ideas involve money that i dont have. the old carey would just mooch off her friends and sleep on their couches til i had a place to live but now i have a family and i'm knocked up. i can't go anywhere without my dog!! and i have my cat toki too who i wouldn't want to part with... plus my dog is rather fond of my boyfriends dog and so am i. plus there's the boyfriend. i could probably do without him!! haha, just kidding im partial to him. but he definitely hinders most of my plans for leaving lebanon cause he's lazy!
of course most of my problems seem to stem from money... i finally had a job that was getting me caught up on bills and saving up for a move and i get knocked up!! ugh! dont get me wrong i'm happy about a baby but its the process i'm not so thrilled about. i've been sick and depressed and anxious and all around miserable!
okay okay enough pity party for myself... sorry. |
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| i'm tired |
[Mar. 19th, 2009|04:10 pm] |
i'm really tired infact!
i'm sick of having headaches all the time...
i'm in a bad mood right now. i'm grumpy and i'm hungry and i'm poor!! |
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| Here it is... |
[Mar. 6th, 2009|02:15 am] |
this is inside me... as of 3-3-09 its 9 weeks 3 days...
i've been very sick. :(
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| long time... |
[Jan. 4th, 2009|10:17 am] |
I haven't been online in weeks. i started working at (gags) Wal-Mart. The job itself doesnt suck to hard. I work graveyard and i work with quite a few cool entertaining people and night life suits me best. but working for a company like walmart goes against a few of my principal beliefs. but i'm soooo poor that i had to take the job where i'm guarenteed 40 hours a week and i make almost $10 an hour.
i miss my friends. A LOT. i miss portland A LOT! i want to make a trip up there soon but mostly everyone works during the weekdays and my days off are tuesday and wednesday nights. plus i'm up all night and i sleep all day even on my days off. i try to hang out with people before i go to work but it doesnt always happen. infact it rarely ever happens. the plus side is that i've been reading alot more lately.
i'm so tired right now. i should be sleeping cause i'm waking up early to hang with kaylee and its justin's birthday.
i hope you are well.
thinking of you dearly,
me |
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| my happy place... |
[Nov. 28th, 2008|06:54 pm] |
When i have anxiety attacks i sometimes forget how to breathe, i feel like vomiting and running, i usually can't hold still and i feel pretty empty. i get really cold or really hot... my fight or flight kicks in for no reason... you probably know how these things work.
i've been dealing with them since i was pretty young and i had developed some really good tricks to talk myself down or calm myself. but i guess that marijuana has always been the best help, which i can't really say is a good thing. i really dont like to feel dependent on it. i'm stronger than that or at least i tell myself that. but toking up every time i feel on edge or anxious about something just makes me feel kind of weak. and i didnt always use to do that. i would utilize some of my other skills first and then if all else failed i'd drug myself just like other people taking valium or whatever except mine isn't a legal perscription but all those other drugs i found make me feel really crazy, not the good kind of crazy either... so i refuse to take them. anyway the point is today i had an anxiety attack hit me from out of nowhere while i was at work and i didnt go toke up cause, well i was at work and i'm somewhat of a responsible pot head... so i crumbled a bit because i didnt have the stupid crutch and i'm use to just making it numb even if its just a little one cause i can. so i had to try and remember some of my skills i use to use. i failed.
but i feel better now. and i was reading through some old emails from a friend whom i am actually no longer friends with but they were telling me about the happy place. something they used when they got really down and depressed. you invision a place that would make you happy just to be there. something natural seemed to work well for her... and it sounds like something really cheesey. but i remember after she told me that i started utilizing my desire to write and would right down really detailed descriptions about my happy place, it was different every time because i think there are several imaginary places that would make me happy in comparision to where i am.... i'm going to find some of those writings cause i think they were peaceful and nice but for now some poetry ish a la carey if you want. they're all kind of rhymie (thats not a word but you get it) i usually lack rhyme...
( a poem about a happy place and some others )i can only cry so much i'm an empty hole waiting for my soul the stars take my breath away the moon lights my face i sit on a log near a river wondering when i'll find this place i can sense the peace surround me swirling in my hair i can feel at ease around me knowing i'm almost there take me to some happy place where i can see the wind take me to some peaceful place where i can think again slipping of my sandle my toe grazes the water slowly i feel a numbness overcoming my entire mind as the coolness of the water spills over my toes. i'm not right
no i'm not right
but i cant be wrong
no i cant be wrong
i'm through fighting
with the voices in my head
leaving for good
i've said what needs to be said
i'm not feeling okay
i'm thinkin bout going away
i'm not right
no i'm not right
but i cant be wrong
no i cant be wrong
i want to be wrapped in your arms
going to silence these alarms
im done with voices in my head
making them quiet is making them dead
i'm not right
no i'm not right
but you cant make me wrong
no you cant make me wrong
----
she stands in the corner starring at the glass
watching the rain she just barely laughs
she tries to remember a time when she was innocent
but time stole her soul not knowing where she went
now she's strung out and empty
broken and stealing
whored out and worn out
smoking and bleeding
he falls to the ground not knowing where to go
watching his hands he's reached an all new low
he cant love himself just like he cant love you
he falls alone not knowing what else to do
he's strung out and empty
broken and stealing
whored out and worn out
smoking and bleeding
looking for a way to leave this place
hoping no one will remember your face
you escape at night and begin to run
soon you'll find out you're not the only one
you'll be lonely and crazy
and numb to the feeling
whored out and worn out
smoking and bleeding
just like them. just like us.
-----
i'm far away from her
sitting in the same room
squinting my eyes
as i smell her perfume
i shake my head as her eyes break me in two
she doesn't know her own point of view
theres so many things she doesn't know
she doesn't know she wants to be used
shaken around battered and bruised
not on the outside deep within
buried and sunken
with every sin
a sin is a lie she tells herself before she goes to bed
as you sip on her soul and kiss her head
you dont have to hold her so tight
you dont have to stay here all night
you dont know she wants to be used
shaken around battered and bruised
not for a long time but just for now
she's got to shake this feeling somehow
she spent her time looking for love
spent her time working for love
passed right through reality
into your door
now she's looking for a reason not
to scream anymore
for now she wants to be used
shaken around battered and bruised
not on the outside
but deep within
buried and sunken
with every other sin
.
</div> |
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| dreams |
[Nov. 12th, 2008|12:38 pm] |
i've been having very vivid dreams lately. Sometimes they are just really odd dreams and sometimes they are very frightening or depressing.
i use to have dreams a lot when i was younger that scared the shit out of me so i wouldn't sleep. i remember going 4 days without sleep when i was in middle school once...
anyway i had a weird, depressing, frightening dream last night. there was some sort of plague spreading through out the world. in the begining of my dream no one knew what was happening people were just dying everywhere with similar symptoms. then there was a lot of commotion about where it was coming from, terrorists, god, gods... that sort of thing. i remember the end result was that the majority of people believed it was god punishing us and not terrorists because they had been slaughtered by this plague. anyway i joined some sort of rebellion and started fighting the "man" and i remember talking to my brother aaron who is currently living in the UK in real life. on the phone about how this was all a trap to start fresh or something. the government began quaritining people who had been exposed to it. At this point in my dream they were calling it the influenza! Just some sort of deadly flu.
Then it ended the influenza stopped spreading and people stopped dying. I had to try and get a job and try and help rebuild and all that shit. i got some secret intelligence job but the training didn't start until Februaruy, which in my dream was about 3 months away. I was so pissed off cause i was one of 3 people to get offered this job but i need to start working RIGHT THEN. I started flipping out and i'm in this secured corporate/government office cursing about how everyone was wrong.
then all of a sudden i'm sitting in a truck smoking a clove cigarette and talking to my mother and she says. "I'm sorry to have to tell you this right now but your brother died yesterday."
"what?? how? why? i just talked to him!"
"he had the influenza" she explained as if that was the acceptable answer.
"no it was quarentined, it disappeared he couldnt have gotten it." and my world collapsed
most of the rest of the dream was me wandering around confused and old memories flashing of my brother aaron. it left me with a really empty feeling when i woke up.
my brother and i used to be very very close when we were growing up and a lot changed with my brothers drug use and jailtime. Now everytime i talk to him its a lot like talking to a crazy person. not all of the time but a lot of the time. i miss him. i can't even call him to see if he's alive because i dont have a number to reach him in the UK and i can't get a hold of my mom to get his number or email or something... |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 7th, 2008|12:18 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | radiohead | ] |
i have been too busy working to update at all about my excitement over the election results and woot!
i just watched obama's first news conference since the election and i was overcome with excitement. for the first time in my adult life i listened to a presidential news conference and didn't sigh in disgust, or laugh because of stupidity.
but now how does the political humor keep coming. Bill Maher said something on cnn about how its going to be weird having a intelligent president with little to poke fun at! which i think is all of our concerns right now!?! hahaha HOW WILL WE MAKE FUN OF HIM!! hehe just kidding. i'm so excited that we can't make fun of him. anyone see the newest south park though? it was a bit funny.
During his news conference he also answered a little bit about the BIG question. "what kind of dog is the Obama family going to have?"
Seriously... this is actually been a big deal. I've made jokes about it since election night... but people really NEED to know.
He said that one of his daughters is allergic :( and they have to deal with that. there are several hypoallergenic dog breeds. some cute ones too!!
originally they wanted to rescue a dog from a shelter... aw. i melted!
This january is going to be amazing!
i'm hopefully headed up to Portland this weekend, today! woohoo.
i leave you withsomething else from Bill Maher that i liked.
this is from his interview with Larry King...
"Maher: I think that the lesson of the election is that the old America that Sarah Palin was saying was the real America, the small town, "Joe the Plumber," white America, that's still out there. But the other America, the more diverse, liberal America, has edged it out. And maybe that's the real America now. "
although i currently live int he old america, my heart belongs to the new/real america! :) |
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| the weekend |
[Oct. 27th, 2008|01:39 pm] |
I had another wonderful weekend. i'm getting spoiled. i spent the whole weekend up in portland and it was great. it really makes me want to move back up there more badly than before.
if only i had money... i could probably get a job easily up there probably A LOT easier of a time than i'm having down here!! but it costs money to move. mostly because i'l have to replace the carpet at the house i live at now before i move out and i'm going to have to pay pet deposits up the ass to live in portland with tupelo because they will breed disciminate!! its dog racisim yo!
but i had a good time. for the first time in over 2 years i got to spend some god quality time with johnna and it meant a lot to me! it was really nice.
the weather was pretty good while i was there. on sunday we sat around in laurelhurst park... my favorite park. 
the autumn leaves are so pretty this year.
sigh.
i love you my friends. thanks for giving me a good weekend away from lebanon! |
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| i took the test... |
[Oct. 15th, 2008|11:56 am] |
Your result for The Quick & Painless ENNEAGRAM Test by felk ...
2 - the Helper
Thanks for taking the test !
you chose CX - your Enneagram type is TWO (aka "The Charmer").
"I must help others"
Helpers are warm, concerned, nurturing, and sensitive to other people's needs.
How to Get Along with Me
Tell me that you appreciate me. Be specific.
Share fun times with me.
Take an interest in my problems, though I will probably try to focus on yours.
Let me know that I am important and special to you.
Be gentle if you decide to criticize me.
In Intimate Relationships
Reassure me that I am interesting to you.
Reassure me often that you love me.
Tell me I'm attractive and that you're glad to be seen with me.
What I Like About Being a TWO
being able to relate easily to people and to make friends
knowing what people need and being able to make their lives better
being generous, caring, and warm
being sensitive to and perceptive about others' feelings
being enthusiastic and fun-loving, and having a good sense of humor
What's Hard About Being a TWO
not being able to say no
having low self-esteem
feeling drained from overdoing for others
not doing things I really like to do for myself for fear of being selfish
criticizing myself for not feeling as loving as I think I should
being upset that others don't tune in to me as much as I tume in to them
working so hard to be tactful and considerate that I suppress my real feelings
TWOs as Children Often
are very sensitive to disapproval and criticism
try hard to please their parents by being helpful and understanding
are outwardly compliant
are popular or try to be popular with other children
act coy, precocious, or dramatic in order to get attention
are clowns and jokers (the more extroverted TWOs), or quiet and shy (the more introverted TWOs)
TWOs as Parents
are good listeners, love their children unconditionally, and are warm and encouraging (or suffer guilt if they aren't)
are often playful with their children
wonder: "Am I doing it right?" "Am I giving enough?" "Have I caused irreparable damage?"
can become fiercely protective
ya check it out.
http://www.okcupid.com/tests/the-quick-painless-enneagram-test |
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| nearest book |
[Oct. 15th, 2008|11:44 am] |
* Grab the nearest book.
* Open the book to page 56.
* Find the fifth sentence.
* Post the text of the sentence in your journal along with these instructions.
* Don't dig for your favorite book, the cool book, or the intellectual one: pick the CLOSEST.
"In some of these cases it could be ascertained that this particular symptom had already existed for a short time after the first trauma and then subsided, but reapeared after the next trauma and became fixed."
just so you know this wasn't the first book, it was one of the closest the first book the entire 56th page was a graph. i'm at work... not a whole lot of novels around. that was an exceprt from a freud collection. and it was the 2nd closest book to me that wasn't a phone book. |
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| autumn, books, birthday etc. |
[Sep. 30th, 2008|10:15 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  restless | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | pandora.com | ] |
Aren't you glad that summer is over...? maybe thats just me... but i <3 autumn. i was begining to think that summer had a tight grip and wasn't letting go until this morning and i woke up and it was still slightly dark. and i went out side and everything smelled like it was going to rain. you know the pre-rain smell. i love that smell.
but i dont think the summer has completely stopped fighting cause i can see the sun trying to break through some clouds...
i think the change in my mood is in part to my engrossment with the Twilight books. I read the first one and couldn't put it down. i was kind of suprised because based on the descriptions people gave me about the book it didn't seem like my thing, But my sister and suzey were too enthused about the books for me to just say i wouldnt give them a chance. It has been a long f'ing time since i've read a book. Its weird cause all i use to do in my spare time was read and then i stopped having spare time and apparently forgot about how much i loved reading. I almost finished the second book in one sitting last night but forced myself to put it away and spend some time with my family.
i still feel empty in a strange way. I also feel like i'm getting old or my life is passing to quickly. I'll be 24 in a week exactly and i know its not that old because most of the people i know are older than me. but i feel like i should have done more by now. i think i'm starting a new tradition of getting depressed right before my birthday. who cares right.
to change the subject from being old and empty.... i'm thinking about getting my septum pierced. I want more piercings and of the ones i want that seems like the only one i can get away with at my work cause i can tuck it up out of sight like my brother and suzey did. It may be painful right after its pierced but i think i can handle it. i really honestly dont care that much because i feel like quitting my job at Izzy's anyway and i could probably get away with the piercing at the office more likely then at a restaurant, which you'd think it'd be the other way around.
i miss portalnd. On the Bus Mall by the Decemberists, was just playing on my pandora radio station and it always makes me want to go hang out down town. :(
i'm just hear to listen to myself talk, or type or something.
i dont quite now how this works anymore. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 29th, 2008|11:42 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | office | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | Void | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | ben folds- | ] |
Its interesting how much of my emotions are tied to memories. lately my mood has been shifting subtley into a darker, depressed mood. The littlest sound or smell that brings back memories has made me almost sick to my stomach.
i realize i have lived in lebanon for over 2 years now. i feel so distant from myself. i feel void. its weird too because i'm not entirely sad or lonely. i've gotten use to the monotony of my boring life. i just can't help but feel like this isnt what i should be doing or where i should be. but of course i have no idea what i should be doing or where i should be.
I'm not sure if i'm making sense. i know i'm not making any in my head.
i'm depressed but so frustrated because i dont feel anything. i feel like depression should be more emotional or i should be crying or sad. but i just feel void. i litterally can't express myself lately and its been bothering more then the slight sadness and the tiniest peaks of anxiety. i almost wish it were more black and white, happy or in agony. sounds stupid but i wish my mind, my emotions were not in this grey area. |
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| i'm back |
[Sep. 27th, 2008|07:50 pm] |
long story short... i forgot about live journal. it wasn't until my recent reunion with Johnna that i remembered it existed.
i don't really know what to say since i haven't posted for so long and i can't even remember who i have as my friends and what not.
but now you know
i am back. |
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| ridiculous |
[Jul. 17th, 2007|04:45 pm] |
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I completely forgot about livejournal!! do i have any friends on this thing anymore.
how does it work??
hahaha
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 17th, 2006|08:15 pm] |
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i am completely fried right now!!! |
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| i think it might be the end |
[Oct. 16th, 2006|12:57 pm] |
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i dont feel much like posting anymore.
infact i dont feel much like reading anymore either.
i think i may be calling it quits with lj.
i use to use it alot to keep updated about my friends and keep my friends updated about me but it just doesn't even seem worthwhile anymore.
if you have something to update me about call me or email me. if not we may never meet again. i dunno.
i'm not sure.
i'm hurt and thats all there is to it.
-carey |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 10th, 2006|12:10 am] |
seeing him pretend to be happy with someone else almost made me vomit.
i was spinning. |
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green_ginger's journal
i'm pretty sure thats a dude....